they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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