i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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