Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(212): View more from New York

he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.

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(212): he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform. http://tfl.nu/ifar

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(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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(940): Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented. http://tfl.nu/jb6b

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.

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(816): He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost. http://tfl.nu/3w08

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.

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(612): we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour. http://tfl.nu/nwj9

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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(931): Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me.... http://tfl.nu/xfhz

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(301): View more from Maryland

Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.

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(301): Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material. http://tfl.nu/ut5k

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(902): Why are you speaking in third person? (1-902): Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore. http://tfl.nu/1fh5

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(207): Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I? (1-207): I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me. http://tfl.nu/4usu

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

He does that

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(774): Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back! (508): He does that http://tfl.nu/zi1j

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.

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(267): They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment. http://tfl.nu/jokz

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.

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(910): Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down. (803): Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you. http://tfl.nu/a5n4

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before

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(615): I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before http://tfl.nu/iyr5

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(914): View more from New York

When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.

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(914): When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked. http://tfl.nu/4q7m

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(847): View more from Illinois

I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.

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(847): I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low. http://tfl.nu/gpfm

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(585): View more from New York

The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us

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(585): The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us http://tfl.nu/diix

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