You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.