Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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