I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
