But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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