Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
