turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
