im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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