I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just high enough for therapy.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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