he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
