i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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