The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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