good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
