so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Randomize
