Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
