omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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