Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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