In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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