You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
