Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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