boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
