Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
