i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
