saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
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