he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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