so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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