ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
