woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
