My hand turned me down
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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