I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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