Screwed.edu
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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