Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize