I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means