i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
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Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
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So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."