Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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