you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Well I just put wine in my tea
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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