it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
