The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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