I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
