i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
is that a dick in a sweater?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
