how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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