Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
