i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
