Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
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