you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
