Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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