On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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Blood and glitter go together right?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
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I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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