When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize