I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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