I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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