If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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