just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Four minutes until I can fart!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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