i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
