there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
