Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
