Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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