She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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